Friends Are the Family You Choose

Pravin and Malini are a Singaporean couple who have lived in Chennai for about 10 years. As they embark on a mission to give back to their home away from home — through a philanthropic initiative called PSi Trust — they reflect on the friendships and connections that have brought them this far.

This interview has been condensed and edited for length and clarity.

Pravin: If you had asked me 11 years ago whether I would be living in Chennai, I would be like, no way. But I came here because of a reality show [Pravin is a musician]. I was a contestant and won a couple of awards while representing Singapore.

On an Indian television show, where on average, about 20 million people are watching, it made sense to practice my craft in a place where more people are watching. So we moved here.

Malini: It has really grown on us. But when I came here, I didn't know anyone. I think that was the most difficult part of moving: not having any friends or being able to connect with people. It was only about  five years after I moved here; when we moved to our current place, that our neighbors actually became really good friends. And I think that really improved my quality of life here, and made me rethink this as home.

Malini: In 2015, there were serious floods in Chennai. Me and my 16-month-old, we were stranded in the middle of the city. We were in a restaurant. Cars’ bonnets were under water.

Pravin was in Singapore for a gig. We didn’t know what to do, so we called a friend, who wanted to come and bring us home, but the roads were flooded. So they housed us in another friend's house.

It was just me with the clothes I was wearing and a child with maybe two, three diapers in my bag. But the people living in the building came over and gave us supplies, food, whatever rations they had. We were there for seven days. And then we went to stay with another person. And someone else drove us to Bangalore and there we stayed with another person.

And these are people we didn’t really know but they gave us food and shelter in the name of friendship. There was no electricity so I couldn’t withdraw money from an ATM. But from cash to clothes, to everything, there was someone helping us. And all I felt, on that whole journey to reach the [Bangalore] airport and take a flight back to Singapore, was gratitude.

Pravin:  They came back to Singapore, spent a week, then Malini had this overwhelming emotion that we shouldn't be running away. Like, we should be here to take care of the people who need help, right? That's what she felt. Honestly I was like, ‘Okay, let's go to safety’. But she was the one to say, ‘We should be here to help.’

And then a cyclone happened in 2016, the year after. This time we stayed back and battled it like everyone did here.

So starting PSi Trust here, it goes back a little earlier than COVID-19. But when COVID happened, that’s when we kind of realised, ‘Okay we are fine, but a lot of people here in Chennai need avenues to get past this.’ Because usually, when something happens in Chennai, or Kerala, other states will help and vice versa.  But now the whole of India is going through one problem. And we needed help from outside of India.

Malini: I was interviewed for an article, about Singaporeans living in India with the second wave, and a question was whether we would go back to Singapore. And I said no, because I was like, the best thing we can do is stay put and do whatever we can where we are. And there was backlash, people were messaging us and questioning us.

I understand where they are coming from, but we decided to stay here because we want to be able to give back to our community here, like how they have supported us in friendship. So that's when we thought, okay let's set up this trust and do our part.

Pravin: Starting PSi is only possible because of the friendships. The main reason that the people who said, ‘Oh, you are starting your trust, okay, we are in this with you’, and immediately sent their details and emails, is because of the relationships we built.

I would consider Pintu Pandu my first friend in India. Literally. He is an actor. We met when I went to Malaysia for some work. We lost touch, but then I came to India as a contestant, and I bumped into Pintu again. And I realised that we both have very similar ideologies and artistic endeavors.

Friends help maximise the best side in you. Pintu, he’s an up-and-coming guy. But whether or not he has a project or a role at hand, he trains, he goes to the gym, he behaves like he always has a project going, which means he is always ready for his craft. It’s small things like that that I’ve learnt from my friends here.

I’m sure my friends in Singapore also have these qualities, but when I was in Singapore, maybe I wasn’t in a situation where I could listen and take advice and upgrade myself. My friendships here in Chennai  have helped me be a better version of myself.

Malini: My friend Hema, she lives across from us, we see each other every day. She is a rider with Royal Enfield. She empowers women to undertake riding, and she organises riding treks across  India. She's a social activist, she speaks up on a lot of social issues. So, when we spoke about the trust, I think it was her natural instinct, before we could even ask her to be a part of it, to say ‘What can I do?’

Our friendship made me realise what a privileged life I lived all my life and how in Singapore, we are so blessed to have so much. And it is very interesting to learn about their lives, culture and upbringing. I see so much resilience in them, growing up in such a tough, competitive environment. There is so much I learn every day.

But when we discuss our childhoods, we also realise there are many similarities, we listened to the same songs, played the same games.

Pravin:  We can find common ground with anyone, it’s whether we want to see it or not.  And we have grown more open to finding that common ground in our relationships.

Pravin: What pushed me over the edge was when Pintu’s father died.  He was like my father figure when I came to Chennai. When I got married, I brought Malini to their house to get their blessings. When he passed away, it was very hard emotionally. And it was a COVID death, so it was like, ‘Okay, I can't just sit here and watch this happen when I know that everyone here in India is busy helping everyone else around them.’

Malini: Every person that we knew, had someone who was affected by COVID. And it's a very traumatic experience. It's not just about physical illness. We had a friend whose grandmother passed away from COVID. And she had to transport her grandmother from hospital to hospital and eventually, she lost her grandmother, and I think they need a lot of time to mourn.

Pravin: Gratitude Box is our first initiative at PSi. We focus on families who have lost sole breadwinners to COVID-19, to help people to mourn without feeling guilty. It is a box of necessities to help tide them over, where after you lose one sole breadwinner, the other parent should not have to go and work, contract COVID and return, causing a wave of infections. This was what we were seeing.

Malini: [I learnt from my experience during the Chennai floods], when you are in a crisis situation, and you get something in front of you, that overwhelming sense of gratitude really helps you to cope with that situation. It makes you feel less despair, and I think that sense of relief can really go a long way.

Pravin: We are not doing much, just addressing the need of the hour. Staying home is a luxury. We are just allowing those who have lost a sole breadwinner to stay home and mourn the loss. And let time do its thing.

I think starting something like this can help people feel connected in some way. And even if they are alone in this, they are alone in this together.. Even though we are the ones who are giving these boxes, we are actually thankful to be able to do this and truly are here only because of the relationships we have built.